Where I am right now

How people put context to things in completely different ways is so fascinating. Moving houses, cities; moving away from anything you have a formed a comfort zone around is hard- for some it’s easy and comes naturally. It must help if you moved around a lot as a child. For myself, I did not. I grew up in a small town, I seemed to cling to my town so tightly even the force of any god couldn’t pry it from my hands. Yes, the blanket was cosy but it felt too snug as I grew older like an old sweater you are too afraid to throw away because you are too afraid to throw it away having the fear that if you do all the memories and stories you’ve collected wearing it will be thrown away with it. The blanket starts to feel suffocating in a way that it is letting you breathe but just barely. You’re trying to find an escape, and when you do you regret your decision entirely. As you leave your tightly bound blanket which was dragged off of you, exposing you to a kind of cold air you haven’t experienced before. You’re alone, and no one is there to tuck you in at night. Your skin feels raw from the eyes of strangers you never thought you would encounter, wondering what they are thinking as you are alien to them and to your surroundings. You want to go home-the suffocation of it doesn’t seems so bad. Looking around at the new places and the people, thoughts of hopelessness and worrying if you are able to cope with such extreme changes in your life after something so certain. You don’t think you ever will, but that’s the thing. Life isn’t supposed to suffocate you. It is supposed to let you breathe easy- not all the time, but surely wherever you decide to rest your head at night and awaken in the morning should make you somewhat happy. I know, not a lot of people have this luxury- why would we when we are told to love the life we are given. And there is some truth to it, are given life. We are given the blood that pumps through our veins, our bones that are our building blocks, allow us to root ourselves and grow flowers if we please. We are given skin to poke, pull, burn, wax paint how we choose and hair to change how we like. We are given life but not told how to live. We have senses to open the world to the best of our abilities, given chances time and time again by people who may or may not like you. Given trial and errors and complete screw ups, given gifts we know or don’t know we have and education wherever you go. It’s not just what you learn if you go to school, or reading all the books you can at the library. It’s the reality of how raw you can feel if you are left exposed in front of someone who sees you as a person, with skin and hair, noticing your choice of clothing, your hair style, noting something to register your identify when they hear your name, characteristics such as if you have a loud laugh, or wear glasses; you are noted in the heads of people you come across even if you never talked to them or even acknowledged them.

You are told to put the best you that you can- which is true, hopefully that best is as organic as you can be and not the way grocery stores sell “organic” fruit and vegetables but they are still bleached and dyed. Be who you are, what you were given and promote that to the people who will actually care- and even people who don’t, all you can give out is who you truly are, politeness and patience go a long way especially when you don’t sink down to the level of the Grade A douchebag you had to serve at work. You are given your life to expose the truths that lie within you, as you grow and learn it will be unleashed from you like a pack of chained dogs being freed. I’m not religious and don’t believe god will come and talk to me through burning bushes or through the wind or whatever people believe, but I do think that if you listen to yourself- when you think the time is right for something you want to do, as long as it doesn’t kill you or drain you emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially (by a lot) especially in the future, then why not? Just say fuck it.


I’m not a therapist, not a medical professional or a ‘quack’. I’m some kid trying to figure out my life-writing out what I’d like for myself in hopes I’ll actually follow my written word because it’s been said if you write it down you’ll have a better chance of remembering it. But how would I know? I was shit at studying in high school and the year I took in university last year. I’m just trying to figure out life as of right now it is this big complex thing that even scientists have to scratch their heads at sometimes. There are so many wonders on this planet and the biggest ones are what we are made up of and how we can push ourselves to the limits we need to so we can expose the real and raw self. I am one out of seven billion people on this planet who don’t have their shit together and probably won’t for a couple years… I guess that’s okay, as long as I keep my head and heart open to new people and experiences then I will be alright. I have people, places and things that I love and learning about new things that I am giving a try and focusing on surrounding myself with who and what I like, even if they aren’t what I want to surround myself all the time with but who I need to learn to accept and allow to enter in my life. As long as I stay afloat and keep riding the waves of life, I’ll be grand.

Niamh xx